I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Randomize
