im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
