i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Randomize
