I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize