I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
