there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
