Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
well you can't waste a boner
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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