My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
