Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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