my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
