If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
