He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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