my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Randomize
