I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Randomize
