i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Randomize
