I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize