I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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