Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
