first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
