Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
she pinky promised me she was 18
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
