i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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