I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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