i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
