Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
