you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
