I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
