I just made out with a guy for $7.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
