oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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