he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
