you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
