Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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