I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
