she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
