I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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