Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I am available for nakedness
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
