the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
