trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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