I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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