Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
