he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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