Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
