I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
