So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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