I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
