Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
