it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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