She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
