if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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