I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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