I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
