I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
