is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
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