Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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