Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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