So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
