one two three fourrrrnication!
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
