just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
not ubering you a puppy
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
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