The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
