I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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