mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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