i don't plan on having that self control this summer
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
