I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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