saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
