We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
