Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Randomize
