just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
