why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
