If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
