just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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